Today I actually feel like I love Jesus. I mean there is that weird almost butterflyish feeling deep in my gut when thinking about Him. Feels nice and restful.
Most days I just feel like he is a distant friend. You know one you appreciate, but don’t get to hang out with too much. Or perhaps like a Facebook friend you have never met in person. Someone you have grown to love and appreciate, but you still don’t know how smelly they are.
I suppose that makes me sound somewhat odd, especially for a missionary.
That was not easy to type, and it’s even harder to not delete it. I have always thought of doubt as something negative, but I’m beginning to wonder.
Honestly I wouldn’t be here in Kenya rescuing children and other oppressed people if it wasn’t for my doubt. My doubt allowed me to question my practice of the faith. To experiment with how to be a Christian.
Doubt is no threat to me. I embrace it.
Today it’s no big deal. I feel those warm fuzzies. Tomorrow? Who knows?
I see what my faith has produced in my life. Children who are fed, clothed, and above all loved. Hungry sick people fed and cared for. Prisoners visited, and even set free in some cases. The Gospel of the Kingdom of God preached.
All this stuff happens not in spite of my doubt, but because of it. Allowing myself to question leads to answers that I could not have had without the questions.
I would not know Jesus, if I had never doubted the Jesus I knew.