Yesterday I was a terrible mom. Well, at least I felt like a terrible mom.
I was a not-so-great home educator, too.
I spent my entire day cooking. Remember, we are off grid in Kenya with no fridge nor pre-made foods, so I had to cook lunch which was jacket potatoes and a vegetable stew. (Lots of cutting of vegetables!) Then I started the four hour process of making sour dough bread for the next morning's breakfast and dough for pizza for supper. I had to wait for Johnny to come home from his day long trip into the nearest town with fresh tomatoes so I could make the sauce, and we had to make the three hour fire in the clay oven. I tried to write a few blogs because we need you to know what we are up to, and then I nursed a toddler and helped Makena with her SAT math prep.
I finally grabbed a moment to check school work for Éowyn, and I found she was not capitalising the first letter of sentences nor understanding adjectives for the last week, and I got frustrated with her. I failed her because I wasn't really upset with her. I was upset with myself for not checking her work sooner! Keeping up with feeding the kids fresh meals every single meal is work. Andrew used to cook our meals so I could teach.
I felt like a failure for not staying on top of her education and letting her continue on practicing bad habits for a WEEK without it going noticed, but I took out my frustrations on my eight year old by making her do it all over again. And yes, she should do it again, but at some point I made her cry because it was a lot of work.
I was projecting. I was overwhelming her because I was overwhelmed.
So here I lie awake typing at 5 AM because my heart grieves knowing I owe her an apology.
Writing things down helps. I am sure there are times that my fellow mothers feel like they have failed their children in some way or another, but at the end of the day, I fed my family, and that is a success. I am sure if I sit with Eowyn and share my mistake with her, she may learn that grownups make mistakes, too. Hopefully, she can grow and I can grow, and together, my mistake can be a learning experience for both of us.